Happy happy birthday! I am soooo sad I missed your party, sadly I was busy trying to get my boyfriend out of jail. I wish I were kidding! But I heard from others it was a great party so hopefully you had a good time too :)
— Chaya’s comment on Caroline McCarthy’s Facebook wall. Hurry the fuck up Chaya! This Claw guy in my cell is eyeing me like Richard Blakeley eyes a Gawker Media office couch.
How am I supposed to carry out my daily Emily Gould/Mary Rambin threesome fantasy masturbation session when I’ve got a guy named “Claw” snoring in the bunk below me?